The Tonight Show

The big, big news in the past few weeks has been Syria. And also "The Tonight Show." So as a responsible media personality, I will take the high road and write about both...

For those of you too young to remember or care, "The Tonight Show" essentially started as "Broadway Open House" around 1950 and has had a series of hosts including Morey Amsterdam (Buddy on "The Dick Van Dyke Show"), TV experimenter Ernie Kovacs, dead author Steve Allen, crankophile and Cantonite Jack Paar, Johnny Carson (the master), unfunny Jay Leno, poor @Conan O'Brien, and now stupid Jay Leno.

Carson took over in 1962, moved the show to California in 1972, and retired in 1992. I guess 1982 was a slow year. Unless you had a DeLorean (which he did, because he invested in the company).

Most tapes before 1972 were erased or discarded, because videotape was expensive then and NBC had bills to pay (mostly hookers).

Leno became permanent guest-host in 1987, which meant he was usually there 1 or 2 nights a week, and was funny 1 or 2 nights a month. I remember if I tuned in and Ed McMahon said, "Johnny's guest host tonight is Jay Leno," I would yell "CRAP CRAPPITY CRIP CRAP CRAP." Then my Mom would run downstairs and say "why aren't you in bed?! Tomorrow is your first day of Kindergarten." I was 12.

Anyhow, Leno eventually wormed his way into the host chair thanks to a crazy-scary manager. As proof, watch the made-for-HBO-but-still-in-color-movie "The Late Shift." Everything on TV is real, by the way. The movie is posted on YouTube.

So now NBC is owned by Comcast in a deal so juicy that NBC was declared to have a value of "$0" on the ledger -- seriously. If you've ever dealt with Comcast, you know that hitting zero over and over again only annoys their barely-coherent customer service people. Once, when I called to complain that Animal Planet was staticy, they tried to sell me internet service by reading from their script, "so, may I ask what kind of computer and operating system you have?" And I said "I have an Atari 800XL running Windows 3.1." (All of the computer geeks just spit out their coffee).

I could hear her break out in a cold sweat because I'm sure neither of those things were on her script -- they're neither compatible nor even useable anymore. She put me on hold forever and then came back and dropped the subject like nothing had happened. And it turned out that Animal Planet was staticy because I only had super-basic cable (6 local channels and %#@$ Bravo).

But back to "The Tonight Show." @Jimmy Fallon was a boring mess when he started, but he's quickly gotten awesome. "Reading Rainbow" as played by The Doors? HUZZAH! The buzz is he was tapped because he can generate hit-getting pieces for the web. The most Leno has done is "Jaywalking" and the Dancing Itos (remember them?).

This time, I doubt there will be a sweetheart deal where Leno lands in primetime. Maybe he'll become host of "The Today Show" and Matt Lauer will be tossed to "cleanse" that show of the whole Ann Curry mess. Maybe Leno turns up on TBS, AFTER "Conan"! Maybe he becomes a comedic commentator on CNN or FoxNews or RedEye (ick). He could always land on Comedy Central at 10 p.m. Think about it: terrible "American Pie" spin-off movies from 8-10, then Leno for an hour, then "Daily Show" and "Colbert." (I bet they make Leno only 30 minutes, starting at 10:30, on Wednesdays because of "South Park"). Who knows. He's a Wile E. Coyote.

But the bigger question that's nagging me is: will our beloved @David Letterman retire? Fallon is designed to compete with Jimmy Kimmel, not Letterman. Dave has his own turf, and may very well fall a bit in the ratings to Fallon (at least in key demographics). Will he call it a night? If so, word on the street is that you can score drugs behind the Cubby Bear tavern. Word on the street also says that Craig Ferguson's contract guarantees him Dave's slot. When Conan began his long (7-month) run on "Tonight," Dave won the overall ratings, but Conan was stronger with young viewers. And the new "Tonight Show" would originate from New York, which is already a tougher sell than L.A. when booking guests.

And who will replace Jimmy Fallon? Not Carson Daly. He tried -- and failed -- to do a traditional talk show and NBC sent him packing. Literally. Anyone who's seen it, (usually by accident), knows it's now a sort of crappy, travelling newsmagazine. Lots of taped segments and interviews at different venues and whatnot. He's not funny, but he makes up for it by being a disengaged and boring interviewer. He makes Ryan Seacrest look like Brian Dunkelman's agent.

Now on to Syria... I don't think they would understand "The Tonight Show," even if it were dubbed or subtitled. Humor often doesn't translate to other cultures. Just my two cents.