An Open Letter to Sirius-XM

After viewing your ad campaign from the past few years, I have to agree that Sirius XM has shaken up radio!

I recently had a minor fender-bender when my car was chain-sawed into pieces by a jealous husband, so my insurance company rented me a lovely Chevy Cruze for a week, complete with cigarette smell and an XM radio. The cigarette smell went away, but Sirius did NOT.

I mostly stuck to Deep Tracks, Classic Vinyl, Hits of the 50s/60s/70s/80s, the classic soul channels (49-50) and the comedy channels (96-99 or so).

The readout screen was very helpful in finding out where I was on the dial, and I learned a lot. For example....

I did not know that Jimmy Page has changed his name to "Jimi."

I did not know that "Why Can't We Live Together," "Mother and Child Reunion," "Funk #49" and "The Load Out/Stay" were all so WILDLY popular with listeners, that they had to be repeated hourly.

I DID know that "Get Back" is a piece of Classic Vinyl... because the screen read "Get Back (2009 remaste...)." So you're pointing out that you're playing the CD of a song on the vinyl channel? What? At least you could have used the original mono mix (which is on the easily available mono "Past Masters" CD).

And the list of grievances goes on. That annoying bit of LP lead-in surface noise between songs on the vinyl channel? You're not playing vinyl! That’s just insulting. During the weekend, I was listening to the George Carlin marathon. Not only was the sound sub-AM radio, but you used the vinyl scratch there, too! And because of compression/EQ, the sound effect was like an ear-drum-splitting bit of howl-round (as the British say). George Carlin would be spinning in his grave at 33 rpm, minimum.

Also, the sound goes to static when I'm under a bridge, or near a building! What? This isn’t 1974. Which brings to mind an old Stephen Wright joke: "My friend is a radio announcer. His voice goes out any time he drives under a bridge."

I love Stephen Wright, and I'm glad he was all over your "Just For Laughs" comedy channel. Occasionally, I'd hear Bill Cosby or Mitch Hedburg. But 90% of the time it was no-name comics who might be opening at Yuk-Yuk's Funny Farm in Boise. Or AWFUL song parodies. (Oddly enough, the funniest unknown comic I heard was Kerri Pomarolli, who is apparently big on the Christian circuit; she was quite good). Why not mix in more albums (and old specials or Letterman appearances) by Robert Klein, Albert Brooks, Bob & Ray, Adam Sandler, George Miller, David Spade, Garry Shandling, Gilbert Gottfried, David Cross? The list goes on and on. Even old appearances on Johnny Carson's "Tonight Show" would be funnier! (By the way, his estate is trying to re-introduce his work to a new generation… might be worth a phone call to Jeff Sotzing).

As for the other comedy channels -- Blue Collar comedy seems to have the blend down about right for its audience. But "The FoxxHole"?! What the hell?! I have no idea what that's supposed to be. It was mostly terrible hip-hop in terrible fidelity (yes, I'm aware you probably use lesser bandwidth on what are supposed to be talk-only channels). “Playboy Radio”? All I heard was tips on buying shoes. Dress shoes.