An Open Letter to Sirius-XM

After viewing your ad campaign from the past few years, I have to agree that Sirius XM has shaken up radio!

I recently had a minor fender-bender when my car was chain-sawed into pieces by a jealous husband, so my insurance company rented me a lovely Chevy Cruze for a week, complete with cigarette smell and an XM radio. The cigarette smell went away, but Sirius did NOT.

I mostly stuck to Deep Tracks, Classic Vinyl, Hits of the 50s/60s/70s/80s, the classic soul channels (49-50) and the comedy channels (96-99 or so).

The readout screen was very helpful in finding out where I was on the dial, and I learned a lot. For example....

I did not know that Jimmy Page has changed his name to "Jimi."

I did not know that "Why Can't We Live Together," "Mother and Child Reunion," "Funk #49" and "The Load Out/Stay" were all so WILDLY popular with listeners, that they had to be repeated hourly.

I DID know that "Get Back" is a piece of Classic Vinyl... because the screen read "Get Back (2009 remaste...)." So you're pointing out that you're playing the CD of a song on the vinyl channel? What? At least you could have used the original mono mix (which is on the easily available mono "Past Masters" CD).

And the list of grievances goes on. That annoying bit of LP lead-in surface noise between songs on the vinyl channel? You're not playing vinyl! That’s just insulting. During the weekend, I was listening to the George Carlin marathon. Not only was the sound sub-AM radio, but you used the vinyl scratch there, too! And because of compression/EQ, the sound effect was like an ear-drum-splitting bit of howl-round (as the British say). George Carlin would be spinning in his grave at 33 rpm, minimum.

Also, the sound goes to static when I'm under a bridge, or near a building! What? This isn’t 1974. Which brings to mind an old Stephen Wright joke: "My friend is a radio announcer. His voice goes out any time he drives under a bridge."

I love Stephen Wright, and I'm glad he was all over your "Just For Laughs" comedy channel. Occasionally, I'd hear Bill Cosby or Mitch Hedburg. But 90% of the time it was no-name comics who might be opening at Yuk-Yuk's Funny Farm in Boise. Or AWFUL song parodies. (Oddly enough, the funniest unknown comic I heard was Kerri Pomarolli, who is apparently big on the Christian circuit; she was quite good). Why not mix in more albums (and old specials or Letterman appearances) by Robert Klein, Albert Brooks, Bob & Ray, Adam Sandler, George Miller, David Spade, Garry Shandling, Gilbert Gottfried, David Cross? The list goes on and on. Even old appearances on Johnny Carson's "Tonight Show" would be funnier! (By the way, his estate is trying to re-introduce his work to a new generation… might be worth a phone call to Jeff Sotzing).

As for the other comedy channels -- Blue Collar comedy seems to have the blend down about right for its audience. But "The FoxxHole"?! What the hell?! I have no idea what that's supposed to be. It was mostly terrible hip-hop in terrible fidelity (yes, I'm aware you probably use lesser bandwidth on what are supposed to be talk-only channels). “Playboy Radio”? All I heard was tips on buying shoes. Dress shoes.

Secret Beatles songs #1

Next to Taylor Hicks, probably my favorite musical act is The Beatles.  So much has been written about the group, it hardly seems necessary to add more.  So I will end today’s blog post and see you all tomorrow.

KIDDING—I’m paid by the letttter.

Last Christmas, EMI re-released the Beatles’ original UK albums on vinyl.  The group’s “core” catalog has remained 217 songs spread over 15 CDs/LPs.

But what happens when you want more?  Solo Beatle albums are obviously a good choice, and most of those from the 1970s/80s have their moments.  But today I discuss another option… rare albums, hard-to-find songs, or just flat-out illegal (but easy to find) bootlegs.  Enjoy!  And be sure to visit me in prison!

1961: The Beatles (John, Paul, George and Pete Best) were playing another residency in Hamburg, Germany when they were drafted by Polydor Records to back up fellow British expatriate Tony Sheridan.  Producer Bert Kaempfert set up the quintet in a local school auditorium and recorded several songs, one of which (“My Bonnie”) became a sizable German hit.  With Sheridan singing, the Fab Four were credited as “The Beat Brothers” at the time.  But in the course of the session, they managed to cut an uptempo version of the Tin Pan Alley standard “Ain’t She Sweet” (with John on lead vocal) and “Cry For a Shadow” (a Lennon-Harrison instrumental, intended to mimic the style of British mega-stars, The Shadows).  The latter two songs wouldn’t come out until the height of Beatlemania, with “Ain’t She Sweet” even hitting the Top 40.  Both tunes are on “Anthology 1,” but a stereo version of “Ain’t She Sweet” is on the 1974 compilation “The History Of British Rock, Volume II” (Sire SASH-3705/2); that album also includes several Lennon-McCartney songs given away to fellow Merseybeat artists.

1962: Six months after the Tony Sheridan session, on New Year’s Day, a very hungover Fab Four entered Decca Studios in London for an audition.  They played 12 covers and 3 originals (“Love of the Loved,” “Hello Little Girl,” “Like Dreamers Do”).  The latter 2 originals, plus 3 covers (“Searchin’,” “Three Cool Cats” and “The Sheik of Araby”) are on “Anthology 1.”  The rest… well, they’re easily findable on YouTube, sync’d up to images of the band (just search for “Beatles Decca audition”).  If you want them on vinyl, you could buy a nice pair of early 1980s albums titled “The Silver Beatles” on Phoenix Records.  OR, check out the “Deccagone” label.  In 1976, some enterprising (and GENIUS) record presser made seven colored-vinyl 45s, compiling all the Decca audition tunes (except “Take Good Care of My Baby”).  They’re all packaged in sleeves reminiscent of the mid-1960s Capitol picture sleeves.  Awesome.  This “label” also put out an EP of 4 songs from the group’s 1963 Royal Command Performance.  And Decca Records made out OK, too…. George Harrison tipped them to a hot R&B group playing in London, The Rolling Stones.  And except for all those friends and bandmembers dying, the Stones have done OK.

1964: It’s the height of Beatlemania.  You’re a big, shiny executive in a bad suit at Capitol Records. There isn’t enough Beatles product coming through the pipeline.  What do you do?  What DO you DO?!  First, get a better suit.  Second, start hanging out with the Beach Boys and hope to meet some local groupies.  Third, you order a recording of the Beatles' performance at prestigious Carnegie Hall.  BUT, the Musician’s Union says “fat chance!”  To which you should respond, “that means the same thing as ‘slim chance’."  Then you record the group at the Hollywood Bowl, just to mess with those New York eggheads.  That’s what Capitol did that summer.  And, after being unhappy with the tapes, again the following summer (twice!).  No one was happy with the quality of the 1965 shows, either.  Fast-forward to 1977, and Capitol enlisted Beatles producer George Martin to distill an LP from the shows.  It’s never been reissued on CD, but vinyl copies are easy to find.  A nice bootleg double-CD containing all three concerts is also floating around the ‘net.

Next time... more words.

The Tonight Show

The big, big news in the past few weeks has been Syria. And also "The Tonight Show." So as a responsible media personality, I will take the high road and write about both...

For those of you too young to remember or care, "The Tonight Show" essentially started as "Broadway Open House" around 1950 and has had a series of hosts including Morey Amsterdam (Buddy on "The Dick Van Dyke Show"), TV experimenter Ernie Kovacs, dead author Steve Allen, crankophile and Cantonite Jack Paar, Johnny Carson (the master), unfunny Jay Leno, poor @Conan O'Brien, and now stupid Jay Leno.

Carson took over in 1962, moved the show to California in 1972, and retired in 1992. I guess 1982 was a slow year. Unless you had a DeLorean (which he did, because he invested in the company).

Most tapes before 1972 were erased or discarded, because videotape was expensive then and NBC had bills to pay (mostly hookers).

Leno became permanent guest-host in 1987, which meant he was usually there 1 or 2 nights a week, and was funny 1 or 2 nights a month. I remember if I tuned in and Ed McMahon said, "Johnny's guest host tonight is Jay Leno," I would yell "CRAP CRAPPITY CRIP CRAP CRAP." Then my Mom would run downstairs and say "why aren't you in bed?! Tomorrow is your first day of Kindergarten." I was 12.

Anyhow, Leno eventually wormed his way into the host chair thanks to a crazy-scary manager. As proof, watch the made-for-HBO-but-still-in-color-movie "The Late Shift." Everything on TV is real, by the way. The movie is posted on YouTube.

So now NBC is owned by Comcast in a deal so juicy that NBC was declared to have a value of "$0" on the ledger -- seriously. If you've ever dealt with Comcast, you know that hitting zero over and over again only annoys their barely-coherent customer service people. Once, when I called to complain that Animal Planet was staticy, they tried to sell me internet service by reading from their script, "so, may I ask what kind of computer and operating system you have?" And I said "I have an Atari 800XL running Windows 3.1." (All of the computer geeks just spit out their coffee).

I could hear her break out in a cold sweat because I'm sure neither of those things were on her script -- they're neither compatible nor even useable anymore. She put me on hold forever and then came back and dropped the subject like nothing had happened. And it turned out that Animal Planet was staticy because I only had super-basic cable (6 local channels and %#@$ Bravo).

But back to "The Tonight Show." @Jimmy Fallon was a boring mess when he started, but he's quickly gotten awesome. "Reading Rainbow" as played by The Doors? HUZZAH! The buzz is he was tapped because he can generate hit-getting pieces for the web. The most Leno has done is "Jaywalking" and the Dancing Itos (remember them?).

This time, I doubt there will be a sweetheart deal where Leno lands in primetime. Maybe he'll become host of "The Today Show" and Matt Lauer will be tossed to "cleanse" that show of the whole Ann Curry mess. Maybe Leno turns up on TBS, AFTER "Conan"! Maybe he becomes a comedic commentator on CNN or FoxNews or RedEye (ick). He could always land on Comedy Central at 10 p.m. Think about it: terrible "American Pie" spin-off movies from 8-10, then Leno for an hour, then "Daily Show" and "Colbert." (I bet they make Leno only 30 minutes, starting at 10:30, on Wednesdays because of "South Park"). Who knows. He's a Wile E. Coyote.

But the bigger question that's nagging me is: will our beloved @David Letterman retire? Fallon is designed to compete with Jimmy Kimmel, not Letterman. Dave has his own turf, and may very well fall a bit in the ratings to Fallon (at least in key demographics). Will he call it a night? If so, word on the street is that you can score drugs behind the Cubby Bear tavern. Word on the street also says that Craig Ferguson's contract guarantees him Dave's slot. When Conan began his long (7-month) run on "Tonight," Dave won the overall ratings, but Conan was stronger with young viewers. And the new "Tonight Show" would originate from New York, which is already a tougher sell than L.A. when booking guests.

And who will replace Jimmy Fallon? Not Carson Daly. He tried -- and failed -- to do a traditional talk show and NBC sent him packing. Literally. Anyone who's seen it, (usually by accident), knows it's now a sort of crappy, travelling newsmagazine. Lots of taped segments and interviews at different venues and whatnot. He's not funny, but he makes up for it by being a disengaged and boring interviewer. He makes Ryan Seacrest look like Brian Dunkelman's agent.

Now on to Syria... I don't think they would understand "The Tonight Show," even if it were dubbed or subtitled. Humor often doesn't translate to other cultures. Just my two cents.

Welcome. Back.

After those messages, I'm back.

Jack Benny here... I figured for my 39th Birthday I would reward myself with a blog.  So, following an intense month on the phone with PC Club tech support, here I am.

Many of you are probably saying, "but Jack, I thought you passed away in 1974."  And my response to that is, "I can't hear you!  This is a computer."

In the past few decades, though, I've had much time to reflect on pop culture... David Letterman, "Saturday Night Live," The Beatles v. The Stones, Heather Graham, Don Rickles, The Cubs (seriously?!), Motown v. Stax, record collecting, Heather Graham, muscle cars, "Curb Your Enthusiasm," "The Larry Sanders Show," "The Rockford Files" and Heather Graham.

So those are some of the things I'll be writing about.  Except for Heather Graham; my attorney says the letters I wrote to her are being held as evidence.  I hate lawyers.