I hate reality TV. The inane competitions- don't we have enough problems these days? The shaky camera work that has infected all other TV. The lame, talent-less private citizens (or Z-list celebs) duking it out for the privilege of looking idiotic in front of millions of people (and maybe a few bucks). Who needs it?
Lately, though, my limited TV watching has expanded to include Top Chef and Hell's Kitchen.
Both programs feature (mostly) talented competitors and (occasionally) talented or engaging hosts who actually get involved in the action. Has Jeff Probst ever eaten live worms? Do I care if he does? NO! But Gordon Ramsay yelling about over-salted risotto is a treat.
Watching these programs, I realize I could never be a chef or run a restaurant. Frankly, I don't even think I'm qualified to be a "foodie."
Problem the first: Most dishes involves seafood. YUCK. I HATE SEAFOOD. I hate everything that comes out of the sea. Bass, trout, crab, lobster, old tires... I realize these are delicacies to most of you, but that "fishy smell" puts me off every time. Old tires are an exception since they burn well and are prized for flavor in that country shaped like an open padlock.
Other unconventional meats (venison, quail) keep popping up on the shows as well. Where's the Kobe beef? Free-range chicken? Pork? And why are the portions so small? Every dish has a morsel of food. Not cool. I don't want to stuff myself, but I also don't want to decide a chef's future on a Rubik's Cube-square of food.
They also challenge my pronounciation of SO many dishes. Is it "ri-SOT-o" or "ri-sat-to"? "G'nocchi" or "No-chi"? "Cardamom" or "Cardamon"? They should do what I do... just point at the menu and say to the waiter "bring me thiiiiiiiiiissssssss." That method has worked since I was 4.
Chef Gordon Ramsay is my hero. His high standards and passion for EVERYthing, coupled with a delightful potty mouth, can't be beat.
The Top Chef hosts, however, leave me cold (ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha). Tom Coliciciciiioo (spelling?) has the warmth of a humorless gym teacher waiting for a slower kid to finish the mile run. Padma Laxmi may know what she likes, but she seems to know nothing about the culinary arts. She speaks only to jump on a bandwagon ("That WAS salty, wasn't it, Tom?"). Her major duties seem to be setting up the opening challenge ("Quick Fire"), disappearing for 48 minutes, then popping in at the end to say "please send in your colleagues" to the losing chefs. In between, she must be in her trailer on Match.com, trying to find "The World's Most Boring Husband." (Side note: she has the crazy eyes, and I don't think she should be around knives this often).
And who's dressing her? In promos, she's wearing a shiny blue dress and the world's longest pony tail. I could tell this was the Las Vegas edition of Top Chef because she looked like craps (COMEDY BONUS).
The final recurring judge is Toby Young, who you may remember from “Toby Young as Elton John in Kojak”. This acid-tongued Brit has struck the perfect balance between Queen Bitch and Serious Gourmand. Colicchio should be replaced by Young, while Padma should be replaced by Gordon Ramsay in a dress.
To sum up, Top Chef gets a C, for contrived. Hell's Kitchen is an A, kept from an A+ only because of its erratic air schedule and Chef Ramsay's restraining order against me. (Gordon: There is a crack starting in the foundation of your house, just below the left rear window in the sun room).
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